me

i mentioned in my last blog, that i don't show my friends that i am quite philosophical, and wanted to elaborate on that. that's why i named this blog "me". i went in this rabbit hole of self improvement, knowing oneself, shadow (which i will discuss in future) because i wanted to know me. the last 17 years i have spent were wasted catching up with others. in a community you are expected to think of what others would think before you act, that's why you tend to suppress your inherent personality traits, and try to create new ones.

you try to appear as a quite, studious kid, because that's what the society accepts, or expects from you, meanwhile you hide yourself inside, kid who likes to play with others, who wants to socialize, who wants to get better. i was always the shortest kid, that meant that i used to stand out the most (not literally), and people were not ignoring this fact. i was called a lot of names, bullied several times. but i took those as a challenge, i wanted to prove them, that being short didn't mean i couldn't win. i won multiple contests, became a studious kid, who scored consistently good grades. but that meant, i had to hide myself, or recreate myself. 

fortunately i was blessed with really good parents. who supported me from day one. my mum comforted me after every fall. even when it was all going downhill, since the last 5-6 years, she was always there to say, a slingshot stretches back, before it shoots in front. my dad always wanted me to chill. but he was also there whenever i needed motivation. "everybody wants heaven, but no one wants to die". a quote he repeated several times to me. every time someone called me something, bullied me, my mum and dad were there to support me. but i was a bad kid. i hid when i was bullied from my mom, because i wanted to take it personal. and after all these years, she thinks it's her fault. it's not mom.

i wasn't blessed with really good friends until recently. all the people i called "best friends" were just huge snakes, ready to take me out, as soon as they got the chance. many of my "friends" are the cause of my low self esteem, and low self confidence, because whenever i tried something new, they were the first to punch me down.

but i was also given good friends, who helped me through tough times, who stayed after all these years, and that's all that matters. and when i look back now, sitting in my hostel room, alone. i have always tried to create a face for myself. a mask. to hide myself. to not show myself. maybe because i was afraid that if i show who i am, society won't accept me. my parents ofc wouldn't mind. but that's why i have been trying to find myself. who i was. who i am deep within.

i want to reach out in that dark ocean, and pull that motherfucker back. but i may have been too scared of the ocean. i won't anymore. 

carl jung, has a concept of shadow. tim s grover calls it the dark side in his book "relentless". these are basically your desires, your traits that you suppress. without knowing them, without acknowledging them, and assimilating them within yourself, you won't be whole. i have been trying to piece myself together you know. it feels like in a big puzzle. i am only a quarter of the solution. rest is somewhere within me lost. but i won't lose. i will find it. that's my promise.